Eve's Insanity

ACT I, Scene 1 - GARDEN EDEN

(A lot of coconut-trees and one apple-tree on stage. Enter God and Angels) (Angels dance around and do angel stuff)
God What the hell are yall doing?
Angel 1 Nothing.
God Then get your mangy carcasses back to work!
Angel 1 Are you going to finish making the earth?
God I guess so. Ahem.
(clears throat) Were was I? Oh ya, let there be light, and let it be called day and night and the evening yadda yadda yadda, and it was good.
Angel 2 I have a distinct feeling we’re forgetting something.
God Well, we've got porcupines, and mildew and we’ve got dung beetles, what could possibly be missing?
Angel 1 How about man?
God Oh, yeah! (slaps forehead)
(Enter Adam, angels exit)
God Howdy partner. What’sa goin’ on?
Adam Who are you?
God I’m God. Adam, I have created you in my own image. Except I’m smarter and better looking. And more articulate, and I have a sexier voice, and I’m well… how should I put this… bigger than you.
Adam Cool. So, were can I get a good beer?
God Try the “Heidelburg”, nice atmosphere there.
Adam Great, but what do you do when you’re sober?
God Well, nothing really, wait, oh ya, give me your rib.
Adam (rips of rip and hands it to god)
God Zap. (knocks rip)
(Enter Eve)
Adam I gave my rib for that?
God It’s better than it looks.
Adam (intrigued) Really?
God I mean, check out them apples she’s got. Now, you two can do whatever you want, just don’t, whatever you do, eat from the amazing tree of mystery and adventure. Sure I eat from it myself all the time and I’m tellin’ you, the fruits are delicious, and all these coconuts are very difficult to eat but just don’t eat from it. (Immediately hides behind something in full view of the audience)
Lucifer Hi Eve.
(They stare deeply into each others eyes)
Lucifer Hey, you know, that fruit tastes pretty good. Why don’t you and Adam get some?
Eve God said we shouldn’t.
Lucifer I’ll go out with you if you eat it!
Eve And I’ll have an excuse to dump that creep Adam, that’s a deal. (Eve walks to the tree were Adam is already eating)
God (jumps out) Gotcha! (proceeds to laugh ass off)
Adam She did it! (sticks apple in Eve’s mouth)
Eve (Kicks Adam in the groin region) Hey this apple is pretty good! (takes another bite then falls down)
Adam (high pitched) OOOOOOOOUUUCCCCHHH!!! … you bruised my apple! (Adam and God exit)

ACT I, Scene 2 - DWARFLAND

(Trees off, Enter 8 dwarfs and Witch, Eve turns into Snow-white)
Witch Hey honey!
Snow-white Ermm… Who are you? And what are you doing here?
Witch Just a nice old woman from the neighbourhood, thought I would just drop by.
Horny (to Snow-white) You know, actually she’s a bitch!
Yankee You mean witch.
Horny Well, both of it.
Snow-white Is that true?
Witch Nonsense. Look at me - do I look like a witch?
Snow-white Yes.
Witch Damn it. But I don’t look like a bitch, don’t I?
Snow-white Not really.
Witch (lighten) Puuh… Anyway. Where was I?
Sleazy Hey honey!
Witch Don’t call me honey! Actually… do call me honey… - nobody else does that
Commie No, he meant, that’s were you stopped.
Witch Oh! Right, thank you.
Snow-white So, what is it?
Witch I have some nice apples here. Do you want one? (grabs an apple out of her pocket)
Snow-white Wasn’t there something in my past with bad apples?
Witch I promise that they are very delicious.
Snow-white Yeah, they were delicious too, but there was something bad happening.
Witch Just take it.
Snow-white Oh, what the heck!
(Eats apple, falls down)
Witch Snow-white you fool! Of course I poisoned the apple! Well, I know I had no specific reason for that, but it’s just fun as hell! Plus from now on, I’ll be the fairest in the land! (Exit)
Sleezy As if.
Dixie What in tanation are ya doing?
Snow-white (snores)
Yankee Yop. Ye must get up Snow-white!
Rummy I think she is unconscious, been drinkin’ too much.
Commie Give her the heimligh manuver
Horny He he… hind lick … he he he
Sleazy You know what we could do to her while she’s out!
(All grin maliciously, Horny bends down over her)
Snow-white (wakes up screaming and slapping) That’s not part of the script! (After a short pause) Who are you anyway?
Dixie We’re the eight dwarfs from the seven hills!
Snow-white Shouldn’t you be seven dwarfs from the seven hills?
Commie Could be, could be…
Sleazy Good idea, babe!
Snow-white Don’t call me babe!
Yankee Anyway… we are all sick of Dumpy taking dumps all the time.
Horny Yeah! You heard that Dumpy? Go away, we don’t want you here!
Dumpy Darn it! Where the heck could I find another dwarf club as good as this one? (Exit)
Yankee Anyways, I’m Yankee.
Dixie I’m Dixie
Horny (sings) I’m Horny, horny, horny horny...
Rummy I believe that I am Rummy, but I might be wrong on that one.
Commie (shouts) Equal rights!!! Up with the communist party! Oh, by the way, I’m commie.
Sleezy I’m Sleezy
Pierre Bonjour madame. Je mapelle Pierre.
Snow-white Wait, shouldn’t you have a “Y” at the end of your name too? All the rest of you seem to.
Pierre Well I’m French; you don’t expect me to lower myself to the level of these sleezeballs, do you?
Dixie Ok, I’m off, gotta go to the wedding with my cousin.
Snow-white You mean your cousins wedding?
Dixie No, I mean “go to the wedding with my cousin”. It’s our weeding. (dreamy) I got some nice new chainmail just for the occasion! (Exit)
Snow-white Wait, which one of them is the female?
Yankee Uuuummm… to be perfectly honest, I ain’t quire sure of that myself.
(Prince rides up, Retainer with coconuts behind)
Prince Are you Snow-white?
Snow-white Yes?
Prince I’m here to put you away.
Snow-white You mean take me away? Rescue me from these disgusting dwarfs and all that stuff?
Prince No. Put you away. You’re under arrest.
Pierre Stupid British! This is our house, you can’t just take her away!
Prince Yes I can.
Commie Dwarfs unite! Overthrow the fachist prince! (Charges prince and is tripped)
Rummy (Obviously drunken) Somebody’s been drinkin’ from my Vodka! Was it you? (Throws punch at someone near him, lurches a bit and finally falls over)
(Prince puts Snow-white in handcuffs, places her over his –imaginary – horse. Retainer drinks from Vodka/bottle and passes out. Dwarfs exit. Prince starts singing the Jonny Appleseed song)
Snow-white What the…?
Prince I’m Jonny Appleseed
(starts eating an apple) I know I’m supposed to take you to jail, but do you want to go to the Heidelburg?
Snow-white Uuh… Sure, I guess…

ACT I, Scene 3 - Bar

(Barman behind bar, Prince/Jonny and Snow-white enter)
Barman Hey! whadda ya want?
Jonny One hard cider, please.
(Barman gives him a glass of cider)
Snow-white Do you have a good wine? I have a bad time I want to put behind me…
Barman We have apple wine.
Snow-white Oh, never mind. What about a cake?
Barman Apple-pie?
Snow-white No! What else do you have?
Barman Apple-beer, apple-wine, apple-cider, apple-tart, apple-chutney, apple-seeds, apple-juice, apple-dumplings, apple-muffins and plain simple apples.
Snow-white (angry) I’m sick of all this apples! I don’t want any more apples! In the good old days we didn’t have so many apples!
Barman Chill out! If you don’t want apples, why don’t you just go to the garden Eden? Eating apples is illegal there, you know!
Snow-white Okay. Where is it?
Barman Oh, just across the street.
(Snow-white turns into Eve again)
(Barman exit, Adam, God and all the trees enter)

Adam I gave up my rip for that?
God It’s better than it looks.
Adam (intrigued) Really?
Eve Oh, just cut to the chase. (Kicks Adam in the groin region, walks over and kisses Lucifer. Adam pulls out apple and eats it)
(All sing the Jonny-Appleseed-song)

THE END.

Script by John Lussenden, Ewan Compton and Jesko Habert